A common lament among the couples I see is, “I wish sex would just happen naturally!” Often they add, “like it did when we first met.” These couples, now struggling with desire discrepancies, elusive orgasms, or unreliable erections, are looking back on a time early in their relationship when desire and sexual response seemed to crank up instantly, with all cylinders firing. Sex was fun, it was satisfying, it was abundant! And it all seemed to just happen… spontaneously.
Insert screeching record sound: I’m going to let you in on a dirty little sex therapy secret — a mini-lecture I often share with my clients, called “The Myth of Spontaneity.”
In reality, sex is not “natural and spontaneous” in most new relationships. Usually, it couldn’t be more intentional and less spontaneous. You have planned your outfit and shaved your legs and picked a scent. You know exactly what day and time you are going to meet, and perhaps you excitedly told your BFF all about it. You’ve been building anticipation for days, flirting with each other, maybe even sexting. When the big night arrives, neither of you is on your phone, you’re having engaging conversations, and you even make it a point to avoid ordering anything with garlic or onions.
Think about it: this is anything but spontaneous! Nothing is “just happening” here: it’s all very planned. It’s happening because you set your mind to it, communicated verbally and nonverbally with your partner, showed up, and stayed present.
So why do people expect good (or any) sex to happen spontaneously when they haven’t flirted or talked about it? How is sex going to happen when it’s tacked on as an afterthought at the very end of long days when only faint fumes of energy remain? What’s hot about lying next to each other in bed scrolling through Facebook or browsing ESPN? Nothing about any of these scenarios sounds remotely sexy. But when the only models of sex most people see come from TV, movies or porn, it’s easy to understand how the “sex should be spontaneous” belief gets constructed.
The myth of sexual spontaneity produces inertia, inaction, and disappointment. Instead, intentionality is key to keeping eroticism alive in long-term relationships. Make plans for a sexual date with your partner, incubate those plans and build positive anticipation, and then show up and really be there!
At this point some of my clients balk and say, oh but we don’t want to schedule sex, that would be boring!
But that’s just not true. We don’t get anything done in life, let alone done well, without setting intentions and showing up. Your sex life deserves the same kind of energy that you bring to your work, your kids, your friends and extended family, and your hobbies. You can take responsibility for your satisfaction by learning how you turn yourself on and bringing this version of yourself to the intimate time you spend with a partner. Protect the present by putting your cell phones and laptops in temporary time out. And finally, remember that one good experience fuels the next, so be sure to reflect on the things that made each of you feel good as you plan the next adventure!
