As we approach Valentine’s Day, instead of a stereotypical idealistic and ultra-romantic post, I’m going to get realistic and address those of us who are parenting in whatever shape or form. Arguably, parenting is one of the least romantic life experiences. It’s messy, it’s hard, it’s tedious, it’s scary, it’s vulnerable. This post is for everyone who is exhausted and frazzled, living deep in the pandemic-enhanced stress of trying to raise children, and wondering how sexuality fits into this puzzle.
Becoming a parent is essentially experiential: we can imagine what it will be like, but we can’t truly know until we walk half-blindly into the actual experience. As I often tell my clients, even opening your heart to the idea of becoming a parent invites a vulnerability so big that overthinking it could put you in the corner in a fetal position! Regardless of the path you take to get there, becoming a parent changes you and your relationships.
Sexuality is one of the big areas of change. From physical changes during and after pregnancy and breastfeeding, to waiting and hoping and potentially grieving during fertility treatment and adoption processes, to exhaustion, to being “touched out,” to emotional labor drain, the transition to parenthood can take a toll on sexual energy.
In most relationships, the primary caregiver frequently experiences a dip in sexual interest. In heterosexual couples, due to a combination of social, emotional, and biological factors, women are typically in the primary caregiver role and more often take a big libido hit, while their male partners tend to maintain sexual desire. However, I’ve often worked with the opposite scenario, a dynamic that has its own unique challenges. Similar patterns often emerge in same-gender couples, and people in relationships who truly share parenting duties can both experience reduced sexual energy.
Whether you are the higher or lower desire person, these changes in sexuality are often very difficult. Many new parents experience feelings of loss (“I’ve lost my body”, “I’ve lost my partner”, “I’ve lost my sense of who I am”). Some couples get stuck in rigid blame/guilt cycles with the higher desire partner pointing fingers, and the lower desire partner experiencing simultaneous self-blame and resentment.
People in relationships who are successful in working through these changes tend to have empathy and compassion for one another, share their feelings openly and vulnerably, and collaborate creatively. They also aren’t afraid to seek help when they get stuck.
Based on my relationship and individual clinical work with people transitioning into parenthood, as well as my own lived experience as a mom of two boys, I’ve put together some suggestions that can help parents adapt to these developmentally expected changes in sexual interest and expression. Hopefully you will find a few that resonate with you!
Do one thing each day to take care of yourself and start to create a schedule that takes into account some of YOUR needs. “Parents should put their oxygen masks on first.” If you don’t have yourself, you won’t be able to share yourself fully or put your all into caring for others.
Trust that your sexuality, both with yourself and with a partner, can adapt to these changes. Trying to rush or force things, heaping on guilt, or beating yourself up by thinking you should be somewhere other than where you are will only delay the process of finding a “new normal.”
Prioritize and schedule sex just like you would schedule other important things in your life. Communicate your interest in sex to your partner and ask when a good time might be.
If you are the more sexually interested person, then behaviors such as begging, nagging, shaming, blaming, pestering, and pouting will only push a less interested person away. Your invitations can be and perhaps should be assertive, but they must be kind and loving.
If you are the less interested person, start to think about some things that would help facilitate your relaxation. Good sex often flows from relaxation – bath, shower, meditation, exercise, massage, light reading, etc.
If sex starts to feel pressured, consider making genital sex “off-limits” for a short period of time (e.g., one night, one weekend) to let yourselves get back to the basics of flirting, touching, and sharing affection without the pressure of continuing on to genital sex. This is a loving (and paradoxical!) investment in your sex life that will often make a big difference.
Think about “sex” perhaps more broadly than you have before. Sustainable sex in long-term relationships usually means a whole lot more than intercourse. There are countless ways to share sensual and sexual energy – the only limitations are your assumptions about what sex is or should be. Consider jointly making an al a carte menu of ways to be physically intimate, then use it to communicate your interest and negotiate further acts of love.
Start to think and communicate about your sexual interest as being on a 0 to 10 scale. If you are an 8, 9, or 10, by all means, go for it! If you are a 0 or 1, make an agreement in your relationship that you will not have sex because it is a violation of your integrity, which also hurts the relationship. If you are at a level 2 or 3, maybe there is something that can be done to get some more interest going. Maybe you are open to giving without receiving (or vice versa). Desire is not all or nothing!
Establish consistent routines around nap and bedtimes as early as possible, and use the windows they open up to connect with your partner. Many parents fall into the trap of coming to bed after a long day of work, childcare and myriad household chores, and then expect sex to work for them — but instead they work for sex, and it becomes another exhausting chore. Why do we leave sex for when we have the least energy?! If you really want to make it happen, go to the bedroom (or at least start one of your relaxing rituals) immediately after putting your kids to bed. Do not pass go, do not collect $100!
Avoid another common trap for tired parents – the infamous “date night.” Many parents are advised to schedule date nights in order to revive their flagging sex lives. So they get a sitter and go out to an expensive restaurant where they proceed to eat a huge meal and get tipsy. They come home tired, bloated, and fall into an alcohol-induced slumber rather than having passionate sex. Sometimes it can really help to separate the going out part from the sex part, which would likely work better with more energy, less food, and less alcohol.
Don’t hesitate to follow up with your mental or physical health care provider if you have concerns about painful sex, lack of desire, or postpartum depression. There are treatments that can help you and the sooner you explore your options, the better for you and your relationship.
