I had an entirely different blog entry ready to go for March, but, alas, with a grinding shift of gears, we are now in a global pandemic. My practice moved entirely online (thank goodness I am able to do that) and my kids are in online classes (hopefully, because I am too busy working to stand over them). My Dad passed recently and we had to postpone his celebration of life (sigh), and my husband had to leave to be with his mother in the hospital because she fell and broke her hip (sigh, again).
These are unprecedented times. Health and economic anxieties are an ever-present undercurrent. The news is a barrage of bad, worse, and awful. Social distancing and safety recommendations seem to change daily. The load feels so heavy to bear…and simultaneously the pull of gratitude is extra strong. Such a giant snarl of emotions and decisions and thoughts can be hard to process.
I’ve now spent three weeks working as a therapist in our “new (ab)normal.” This means I’ve had the opportunity to hear about the inner workings of people’s psyches, emotions and relationships as the outside storm rages. Here are some of my takeaways thus far.
The first week contained a lot of crisis management energy. People were making major changes to their structures and routines almost daily. Most everyone I worked with this week exuded a wide-eyed, shocked feeling, myself included. My own anxiety about getting sick was loud, and I tried to practice everything I was preaching about self-care, gratitude, positive distraction, physical movement, managing news intake, and routine. I also tried to acknowledge my countless privileges, while at the same time making space for the upset.
By the second week many folks felt like they were crashing. The burst of crisis energy from the first week had been expended and now people were feeling more flat and depressed. I spent a lot of time working with my couples around navigating different levels of need for adherence to social distancing protocol, which, from an attachment perspective, always mapped back to security, attunement, and soothing. Now people were starting to report that they were sick, knew others who were sick, or even knew someone who had died from COVID-19. Fear was palpable. Grief was loud. One couple I Zoomed with was trying to continue working on improving their communication patterns while the husband was self-quarantining because he had symptoms. Another couple, with whom I had done sex therapy for many years, conferenced with me from their bed because they had no other sufficiently private space with their teenagers at home all day. That irony gave us a chuckle. And there they were, still chipping away at their marital issues, in the midst of a pandemic. These people are therapy ninjas, I mean serious badasses.
Now in the third and fourth weeks, people are finding a bit more of a groove. There is more acceptance that this is our medium term reality. People are really trying to stay connected to humor and laughter. Of course that also means some arguments about what is appropriate or inappropriate, and how much gallows humor should really be tolerated. I have heard these tensions reflected in my clients’ stories in the last week. Personally, I’ve settled a bit more too, with a routine to manage the dog and the kids and a space to see clients without interruptions. My anxiety has lessened, and compulsive baking is in full swing. All of a sudden we’re burning through more butter than we might otherwise in months. Whoops!
I’m a sex therapist so I do want to comment on sex during a pandemic — yet another phrase we never thought would be a thing (!). A number of good articles already have been written on safer sex and the coronavirus so I won’t recreate the wheel there (e.g., helpful NYC public health fact sheet or accurate yet lighthearted Forbes piece).
But I have noticed that, similar to the array of responses that happen when faced with cancer or another serious health threat, people are relating toward their sexuality in different ways. Some people move toward sexuality as an affirmation of life. In the face of so much that we cannot control, tapping into the pleasure our bodies can offer and/or connection with a loved one are a welcome distraction and much-needed outlet. Plus, right now when our contact with others is so strictly limited, sex might be the main way to get our natural touch and interaction needs met. In contrast, others shut down sexual energy. It takes everything we have just to manage fear and anxiety so pleasure and play go offline. Sex is the last thing we think of when we are just trying to figure out how to get through the day.
Among my clients who are in romantic relationships, some seem to be using the space and time to connect more with their partners sexually, while others find that their unresolved problem dynamics are flaring up more than usual. The dualities are striking: presence versus disconnection, seeking versus avoiding, pleasure versus getting by, gratitude versus complaint. The pandemic certainly hasn’t magically fixed anyone’s sexual problems but it has pushed a few of my clients closer together. It has given more time for sex therapy homework and experimentation. It also has opened space for dialogue about how important people are to one another, and given perspective on what really is a priority. It has affirmed the vital nature of touch and face-to-face connection.
So, I will keep at this therapy-during-a-pandemic work. The humbling oddities continue to reveal themselves, such as my internal struggle about liking the “Touch Up My Appearance” option on Zoom. The humor is always welcome, like when one client’s young son burst into the room doing cartwheels, or another client’s dog farted. And, as always, I am touched by the human need to be seen and heard around the most intimate areas of life — sexuality, emotions, death, and love among them. Sometimes I lean so close to the screen, it’s like I’m trying to jump through to connect with the person on the other side.
